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    10/24/2006
    What is this box with numbers on it and how does it work?
    It scares me some times how alike cindys and I are, no really. It makes me shake my head and feel really really badly for her. And the rest of you guys that there are two of us running around in the world.

    Basically I have managed to completely turn my life upside down and I am sort of sitting back and seeing if I end up really regretting it. Or how I have to handle the fall out whenever that should happen.

    I have tons to talk about but really my mind is just a mess and I start on topic and end up with something so rambly I end up deleting it all for fear of scaring others and having to look at my own neurotic self later in print. Okay so mostly the second part is what makes me delete.

    Times like this I decide I should say I want to be a writer when I grow up. No really, because that would some how make the voices in my head okay, right? What? It works for JR Ward and Linda Howard damn it! I say that with much love for both authors really, so no need to throw your fangirlself out of wack or anything.

    YIKES this post was just suppose to say I was trying to fix my inner clock which is fucked as normal to try and make life easy with the new job. Working normal business hours sort of... 8-5. Monday - Friday and 9-1 some Saturdays... which I think will turn out to be lots of Saturdays because I don't care and need the cash.

    I was off last Wed, Thurs, Fri being sick sick sick. Worked Saturday like 2 to 2 and Sunday 3 to 2... only to be at the new nonhotel job on Monday at 8AM. So I ended up not sleeping at all Sunday night then came home only to fall asleep and wake up at midnight. Yep and have managed to do the same today. So I sit here looking at the clock knowing I should 'try' to go back to sleep. Thinking I could take something and go back to sleep but have to be up in six hours and can't see taking that chance. Ten to one I end up reading or blog hopping.

    I soooooooo want to talk about work and shit but can't make up my mind where I shall decide that is good to do. LOL well it isn't good to do anywhere but I know I will. I should go update my live journal. Or figure out how to lock posts here. Then I think about how silly that all is because dude... it is the internet. Which leads me to wanting to talk about the fuckedupness of stupid people, myspace, chatting at work and then I realize I would be doing exactly what I want to make fun of... sort of.

    The new job could be a slow fry in hell. I know this and I am fighting like mad to keep my fucking mouth shut about things I know nothing about, even when asked my opinion. It is very much a 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' type of place. Where you are suppose to do something, ask for clarification and are told "oh, hmmm I don't know, it has always been done like that' and omg if you ask what it is used for - blank stare that makes you want to define use - to be answered 'I am not really sure we just have always done it'. I know a big part of it is lazy and bigger part is something I tend to think is a lil more job protection, if no one really knows I work only an 1 hour out of my day score type thing.

    Of course I could be wrong. And man we are talking people who have been here for YEARS. But then you just have to blink as you walk around and people are on myspace (clear as day) chatting away on AIM (clear as day) and huff when you tell them they have someone to help, then try to think of a way to chat with the person standing on the other side of the counter who can clearly hear the people chatting away about their weekend while they wait to be helped.

    Sad thing is I will be making more money here than I was at the hotel. Which just leads me back to crap I need to figure out what the hell I am doing with my life or I will turn around in a year having killed it at job playing on the internet all day chatting with bam or jane or holly or I could go on a while here... while reading ebooks at work or something like that... ::blink:: See that sooooooooo has its appeal. LOL

    I am having the normal pull at 'omg I really need to get a life'. I am going to be 31, have no direction or goal driving me... I should do something. Go back to school. Sell my shit, pick a new state and move. Go run and hide in Kristie's Library. SOMETHING. I mean really who am I to laugh or stare in wonder while I lurk through the remains of two years of files and crap on a computer from two people I don't even know? But really WHO has a link to a 'cheating' discussion board in their favorites at work? WHO? Says she who at one time spent large parts of her day emailing and chatting with jay. Awww good times that... but of course jay has to fuck it up with getting her shit together and going to law school so she won't be around to play with.

    Then of course I start to think on books and blogs and what I could do with mine with the time... Things I can finish and such cuz I will be awake with mucho time to kill and will most likely have freedom of internet access and a computer in such a position that ctrl-alt-tab is your friend. Or there is the dive bar which is down the street (oddly enough I know I have been there once or twice but can't remember clearly when or why). I could be Norm! Only younger, female and thin until the smoke, alcohol, bar food kill it. See life is nothing but a bunch of random choices ;).

    Alcohol... whatever happened to the Barenaked Ladies?

    Alcohol, my permanent accessory
    Alcohol, a party-time necessity
    Alchool, alternative to feeling like yourself
    O Alcohol, I still drink to your health

    I love you more than I did the week before
    I discovered alcohol

    Forget the caffe latte,
    screw the raspberry iced tea
    A Malibu and Coke for you, a G&T for me
    Alcohol, Your songs resolve like
    my life never will
    When someone else is picking up the bill

    I love you more than I did the week before
    I discovered alcohol
    O Alcohol, would you please forgive me?
    For while I cannot love myself
    I'll use something else

    I thought that Alcohol was just for those with
    nothing else to do
    I thought that drinking just to get drunk
    was a waste of precious booze
    But now I know that there's a time
    and there's a place where I can choose
    To walk the fine line between
    self-control and self-abuse

    I love you more than I did the week before
    I discovered alcohol
    Would you please ignore that you
    found me on the floor
    Trying on your camisole?
    O Alcohol, would you please forgive me?
    For while I cannot love myself
    I'll use something else

    Would you please forgive me?
    Would you please forgive me?


    eh I so don't see myself returning to bars cuz smoke and alcohol tend to fuck up my migraines and really random sex with strangers gets old quick and is hardly ever worth the effort. I could start dating but good night that would involve work and is hardly ever worth the effort. And would make my mother far too happy. LOL if I bothered to tell her that is...

    I think I am turning in my notice tomorrow to my apartments. Sort of makes my flesh crawl in a omg what the fuck am I doing type way. But hey it will force me to make a choice by Jan. There is a crazy idea floating around in my head which involve a move to Dallas. Or at least decide to get a new apartment here or move home or something... I don't want to be here. But I don't want to pack. I just suck.

    Then there are the books... eek! The way I quit at work I am ending up getting a week of vacation so hopefully I will have a lil bit of cash to get the piles sent off to people and send out more books. Then I need to get bins I think... and figure out uh something.


    ten to one I just go read a book.

    Labels:

    14 Comments:
    1. HEY!!

      Oh never mind.

      Well, I'm five years ahead of you and have no clue what to do with my life. Yep, I was a born loser - oh, I mean I'm a slow bloomer. Yeah, that's it.

      I can tell you I'm worried for you. I had a job where there was maybe 10 minutes of work to do in an 8 hour day. Nothing like crying all the way to work, crying through your lunch and then crying all the way home. I wasn't cut out for business life. Well, actually, I could get a lot done - my old boss used to tell me to slow down so that she would have work to do. Uh, BORED!!! This was before internet. Even then I think I would be afraid my internet stuff would be followed and they'd wonder about me. Not so much now but back when you could type romance into a search engine and end up at the pussyfarm. What? You haven't been?

      Would moving back home make your mother happy? Cause if it would DON'T DO IT!!! Hey, I can't be the only horrible daughter in the world.

      Yeah, can you believe that Jay getting her shit all together?

      That's okay, I'm waiting for my 'ah ha moment'. It must have got lost in the mail.

      Feel better!

      Cindy

      By Blogger CindyS, at 10/25/2006 06:05:00 AM  

    2. Sybil:

      It sounds like you've got a lot on your mind right now. All tough decisions. But at least you're asking yourself these tough questions--I normally hide under the covers (or under a box of cookies) until the questions get decided for me. Good luck, and remember, your web friends are out here to cheer you on.

      By Blogger Megan Frampton, at 10/25/2006 06:39:00 AM  

    3. Ah Sybil - sounds like you're at a crossroads. Don't you hate those. They make you have to make decisions and sometimes it's so easy not to have to do that. I wish I had magic words that could answer all your dilema's but *sigh* I don't. Just know that like Megan said you have a whole group of people that really care bunches and bunches for you!! And we're here whenever or however you want to vent or to cry!!

      By Blogger Kristie (J), at 10/25/2006 07:54:00 AM  

    4. So you go read a book? That's okay. Sometimes I've found when my brain is on overload from too much real life stuff distracting it can actually help me to focus and reorganize after I've rested it from real life crap.

      Take it easy kiddo.

      By Blogger Rosie, at 10/25/2006 08:06:00 AM  

    5. Sybil, I think everyone is right...you are coming to a crossroads.

      There always has to be some misery before that big shining light. I know it sounds like I am speaking of death, but REALLY I am not! Although, it is kind of a death of one way of life and a birth of a new way of life. It sucks that it has to be that way, but that's the nature of the beast. Take care my little blog-friend.

      By Blogger The Book Girl, A.K.A. Jodi, at 10/25/2006 12:46:00 PM  

    6. It's a catalyst! The thing that causes great change! (((Sybil))) The most important thing is to figure out what is best for you...everything else will take care of itself.

      By Blogger C2, at 10/25/2006 06:43:00 PM  

    7. Says she who at one time spent large parts of her day emailing and chatting with jay. Awww good times that... but of course jay has to fuck it up with getting her shit together and going to law school so she won't be around to play with.

      miss you too girl ;)

      By Anonymous Jay, at 10/25/2006 08:34:00 PM  

    8. Syb - what can I say? You could come live in my closet. Would it make you feel better if I applied myself to fixing up your template to play with beta blogger?

      By Anonymous Jane, at 10/26/2006 09:37:00 AM  

    9. Sounds like you've got a lot buzzing around your head there. Sometimes it's hard to sort through it all. Did it help at all to kinda just throw it out there? Sometimes when I'm trying to figure stuff out, it helps to just write it down so it's some place besides in my head, whirling around. Then I can slow it down, and take it bit by bit. Vent on your blog whenver you need. This Sybil fangirl will be reading.

      A book is a nice distraction when you don't feel like dealing, too :)

      By Blogger Devon, at 10/26/2006 09:20:00 PM  

    10. Poor Syb. Want to come live with me? You'll like Cali, I promise. All those surfer type dudes and celebs are good for my migraines, so it might work for you, too.

      And I'm down to chat with you all day. Just think how much fun we'll have. HA.

      Ok, so seriously, what's up with the moving? Are you just ready for a change? Do you just want to be anywhere but THERE? Do you want to move home just because you don't know what you want and it sounds good? Am I just rambling on for no apparent reason? yes, yes I am.

      K, bye.

      By Blogger Holly, at 10/27/2006 01:23:00 AM  

    11. Yes, move to CA. You'll like Northern California more...SF is wonderful!

      Sounds like you're going through a rough and confusing time. I'm sorry. You know what you really want to do..I think fear is prob stopping you. I'm speaking from experience because I feel exactly the same way most of the time and I'm 32! Sometimes I want to change and do what makes me happy but I'm too scared to do anything. Girl, I'm hear for you, if you want to chat. E-mail!

      By Blogger Daniela, at 10/30/2006 03:42:00 PM  

    12. where the hell are you, Sybil? Post already!

      By Blogger Bam, at 10/31/2006 04:55:00 PM  

    13. Syyyyyyyyybbbbbiiiiiillllllll!

      *echo echo echo echo*

      By Blogger meljean brook, at 10/31/2006 08:03:00 PM  

    14. Done Bam ;)

      see I was just waiting for you to tell me what to do

      hee

      hi meljean!

      By Blogger sybil, at 10/31/2006 10:05:00 PM  

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